...GOOD. All the time!
Too often I ramble this phrase as a fleeting, un-felt affirmation. Not to say that I do not know or believe this, but I've become so used to my commonly-used phrases, "ILoveYou," squeezed in at the end of a phone conversation, "Such a blessing!" about anything and everything, "I'll pray for you," (and forgetting to add it to your list) etc. So many things that I am quick to offer up, but very few that I consider fully in the moment.
At church, lately, our pastor has been talking about how hurry is an obstacle for those following the Christian faith. Man, that struck me. Hurry. An obstacle. A solution is an obstacle. Yes. As a mother of 17-month-old triplets, I UNDERSTAND hurry. No matter HOW early we begin getting ready to leave, we ALWAYS leave at least 15 minutes later than we plan to. So how is hurry an obstacle when it is necessary? Not only is it NOT a reflection of Christ, but it is a hindrance to the very nature of Christ. In the past, my pastor has challenged our congregation to pay attention to ourselves for the day--to watch ourselves talk in the mirror and to observe how others might receive us. Do we make eye contact with others? Do we walk by them openly that they would feel welcomed to interaction, or do we hurry by, absentmindedly, in an unapproachable haze that shuts out the "noise"?
Hurrying shuts down our openness to God's timing. God's timing is not dependent on my available time-slots. When I hurry through life, I am not open to all of the things that God could have for me. And, you know, the more that I think about that sermon, the more I realize how inclined to hurry I have become--not because I need to, but because it has become the pace of my mind-set. "Hurry! We have to be..." "Hurry, we don't..." "Hurry! Let's..." "Hurry, we need the..."
Stop. Breathe. Smell. Taste. Feel. Experience. Be.
Tell your loved ones DURING your phone call that you love them and why.
Count your blessings every day and mean it, don't just hash-tag it.
Pray right then and there for the person that you are loving on. Don't be shy!
Mostly, know that God is GOOD all the time.
Good seems like such a simple word to describe so many, MANY things. The reason why--because that is the only word that I can think of with my little, human, brain to describe something so vast, so before, so after, so much. I don't know everything to say, I don't know anything to say. All I know is that it is good.
Always I will remember this, because He is good to me. He is good to me, as I am, undeserving of His goodness and grace.
I was PREGNANT. Hugely pregnant.
Well, I am very proud to introduce my *cough*seven-and-a-half-month-olds*cough*
Talk about dropping the ball, I haven't even posted my, "They're here," pictures.
Well, they are.
Baby A:
Jude Louis Ludwick
Born February 12, 2013 at 9:11 a.m. weighing 4# 4oz, 19"
Jude is so sweet and loving, although he was the hardest one on my body during pregnancy! He loves standing up and taking sips of water from a cup. He is ready to crawl and stands (and has stood) with minimal help from mommy & daddy for several months now. What a blessing he is to us.
Baby B:
Moorley Iris Ludwick
Born February 12, 2013 at 9:13 a.m. Weighing 4# 6oz, 18"
Moorley is our little angel-face. She is so sweet and gentle and it is easy to feel how much she loves us. Our cuddly little girl is babbling and screeching to get our attention! She loves to eat bananas with her oatmeal and loves nothing more than being snuggled. She is so precious to us.
Baby C:
Eisley Annette Ludwick
Born February 12, 2013 at 9:15 a.m. Weighing 3# 7oz, 17 1/2"
Our feisty little Eisley-bug is so spunky and full of life. She growls like some sort of jungle cat--she is, no doubt, going to be the instigator. She is so joyous and cheerful every day. She is a ray of sunshine and we are so blessed to have her, not all to ourselves, but to share her presence with the world.
These people have redefined our lives. They are it.
I know that all parents feel this way about their child/children, but there just seems to be something extra about these little cuties. Perhaps it's just my mothers' love, but they are extraordinary.
The part that I love the most about this--it is all by the grace of God.
We prayed for a baby--God gave us three. We prayed for a safe pregnancy--Miraculously, ZERO complications. We prayed to make it to 32 weeks gestation--God took us to 34. We prayed for a safe C-Section--Zipped through it with flying colors, took my telfa off the next morning. We prayed to deliver 3 babies healthy enough that they would survive--3 babies were delivered and then sent home 3 weeks later. We prayed for help financially--We just payed for our first pack of diapers. We prayed for God to provide me with a job close to home--2 blocks away I was offered the Activity Director position. We pray daily for our babies and I think that it shows. Those who have spent any time around them have commented on their good behavior and happiness in general. If you are someone of little faith, please take our story to heart. Not to say that God is here to give you everything you ask for, but that if He gives you a great responsibility, He will not dump you off to fend for yourself. He is giving you a chance to rely on Him for something that intimidates you and makes you feel ill-equipped. What 21 & 22 year-old couple would ever be prepared to parent premature triplets?
Not many. God continues to carry our babies and to mold them into the people that he intended them to be. I know that I tend to make light of the fact that I had spontaneous, fraternal triplets, but only by researching the probability of that ever happening will you truly understand that these children were heaven-sent. Are heaven-sent. They are angels.
We love them so much that we just about can't put it into words, like most parents.
I can not wait to see the mark that they will leave on this world.
Any way you slice it, we are blessed beyond our wildest wishes and daily relying on God--completely undeserving of His goodness and grace.
...80. Making triplets is hard work!
I am at 30 weeks (HUGE MILESTONE!!) This is a side-view of my quickly-expanding gut. Classy, huh.
It moves around so much, I am surprised that I didn't have to use the anti-blur setting on the camera!
Right now, our little beauties are weighing in around 3# a piece and I feel every OUNCE of it :) They are mostly awake at night, which was nice while it was still too light to wake me up. Now, I just look at it as practicing up for my new sleep schedule.
Nearing the end of this pregnancy, I can honestly say that I never expected many of the things that have come with carrying multiples. I have been over a normal "full-term" size for a couple of months now, which comes with all of the extra aches and stretches that most women only feel during the last couple weeks of pregnancy. I often describe the feeling to others as if all of the ligaments in my pelvis are being ripped apart with any movement of my legs. I stretch a little more every day--it gets a little bit harder to breathe every day. Knowing that our babies will be here soon makes everything worth dealing with. They mean more to us than we even know! Our pregnancy has been so perfect health-wise, we know that God has much, much in store for our little family. Please pray for us all through the next couple of weeks. Our delivery date will be February 12th, which would make them 34 week babies. This will give them much shorter NICU stays and a bit of a bigger birth weight. We are SO READY--today Levi made the comment that "every day that we have to wait for them feels like a whole year". I agree!
In July, shortly after we got back together, we took a vacation to Kitty Hawk, NC with Levi's extended family. On the drive to Kitty Hawk, I had the most terrible tooth ache of my life. Every mile we would drive seemed to last hours, this is no exaggeration. I had never been in so much pain in my life. Ever. I had borrowed an antibiotic, Keflex, to take for my tooth from a friend before leaving KS, so, I took one every four hours along with hefty doses of ibuprofen, tylenol and Darvocet, a narcotic, that I had also borrowed for the pain in my tooth before leaving KS. If anyone knows me, they know that I don't take medicine. I believe that the human body is well equipped to heal itself and that people often become dependent on over-the-counter drugs. In what I honestly believe was excruciating pain, we slowly made our way to the beach. That night, we stayed in Nashville, TN in a disgusting hotel room. I am easy to please, for the most part, but this place was filthy. Let's just say, the price was right!! Everyone was so excited to sleep in a bed as we had been napping off and on as we traveled. That night was THE. LONGEST. NIGHT. OF. MY. LIFE. I did. not. sleep. at. all. Everyone passed out quickly, including Levi, who was exhausted and out like a light. Throughout the night, when he would wake up, he would ask me if I was awake as to check on me and see if I was feeling any relief. I would simply say, "still awake." It seemed like my own personal little hell. I feel like such a complainer, but there is really no way to explain how much pain I was in. I did not know that pain like that could exist in one's mouth. I could not chew, I could hardly swallow and all of the pain meds that I had taken all at once, which, regrettably, did happen a handful of times, did not even touch the pain. It had gotten to the point where I thought, forget it, I just need to take a bus and go home. I constantly groaned and cried, there was no sleep. The next morning as we started back onto our trip, I noticed that my pain meds were starting to affect my pain level and by the time that we had made it to the coast, I was in a VERY controllable amount of pain. It was a constant twinge, by this point, but NOTHING like what I had lived through on the drive. We had made it to paradise. We all shared the week in a wonderful beach house right along the coast. With the ocean as our front yard, we could hear the waves crashing along the shore as we trailed off to sleep. The first morning that we were there, Levi and I woke up early and hurried off to the beach together, a "first" for us as a couple and we enjoyed the early beach which was even a little chilly to us. We sat side by side right at the tide and looked out together across a breathtaking view of sky and water. We felt like we were little kids who had woken up to see that Santa had come. We sat there together for hours and held eachother, noticing little shells, letting our legs be buried in the sand that would wash over us, and getting misted with salt water. It was my perfect time with my best friend. We talked about the future and dreamt that when we had kids, we would vacation to the ocean. It was perfect. Family members, one by one, made their way to meet us on the beach and we got to see all of them react to their new environment. It honestly felt like paradise. Over the next couple of days, we had visited an aquarium, the Elizabethan Gardens and many local spots as we were trying to soak up the whole experience. My tooth pain now had all but gone away. We were enjoying a true, wonderful vacation. We took too many pictures to count. About half-way through the week, I started getting really groggy. I felt like I was at half-energy, which I attributed to being at the beach for three days. ***TMI ALERT*** The next morning, I realized that I was about two weeks late for my period, but I thought nothing of it since I was having what I recognized as PMS symptoms, breast tenderness, light cramping etc. Also, before leaving for vacation, I had taken a pregnancy test and had a negative result. As the week continued, I quickly noticed that the smell of certain foods would upset my stomach. Namely, Duck Donuts, which my mother-in-law, Laura, fell in love with and brought home with us, any kind of greasy food, ESPECIALLY McDonald's--I could not handle being around them. I thought that maybe I had a little bug and chose to stay home from the lighthouse and Virginia Dare outings. As the week ended and we made our way back home, I felt SICK. I constantly begged myself not to throw up as we were in my in-laws' vehicle and it's not very fun to drive somebody around while they puke. My strength was tested, though, every time my unknowing mother-in-law would open up her take-home box of Duck Donuts and offer us each one. The smell would absolutely fill the car and I swore that I would never eat another donut ever, EVER again. As we got back home, I was sunburnt, nasty-looking and peeling all over my face, shoulders and back. We had all had a wonderful time and were not really ready to come home. That night, my parents had also just gotten back from a trip home to NY, so we went to visit them and catch up. I told them that I was feeling AWFUL and my mother, not wanting to get her hopes up that she may be having a grandchild, told me that I was probably just having bad PMS and that I should go home and get some sleep. My little sister, on the other hand, was absolutely convinced that we were pregnant. I decided that I didn't want to get my hopes up either, so instead of going home and taking a test, I went home and went to bed.
The next morning, Levi and I took our time getting out of bed. Mom was coming over to meet up for grocery shopping in a couple hours and we just wanted some time to re-adjust to our home. I still had not started. Levi insisted that I take a pregnancy test that I was avoiding. I did not want a negative test to ruin my day. Before our marital problems had surfaced those past few months, we had been trying to get pregnant for about a year, so taking pregnancy tests, for me, had never been what I wanted it to be. All it ever was was a let-down. Still, he insisted that I take one, so I reluctantly collected my "sample", so to speak, and sat the test in. As I removed it, I didn't even look at the stick. I knew what it would say, and I did not want to see it. In fact, using the "Clearblue" brand, I covered up the spot that digitally said "not" next to the word "pregnant" with my thumb. As the only thing showing was "Pregnant", I decided to kick it Charlie Bucket style and slowly peel my thumb back. I automatically let my heart sink, as was my pee-test ritual, expecting to see my old friend, "Not Pregnant". It wasn't there. Out loud I said, "...Where's not? WHERE'S NOT?!!! LEVI!!! LEVI!!!" He knew why I was yelling. He rushed in with a grin on his face and I showed it to him. I said, "What if it's wrong!!!" (More like shrieked). I was shaking all over, wondering "IS IT TRUE?! IS IT REAL?!" I finally got the wrapper ripped off of the next test that I took out of the box. This was hard for me because I was SHAKING with excitement. As I put the second test in the cup, I couldn't even concentrate enough to count the 20 seconds that I was supposed to. After about 10, I pulled it out, not realizing that it had not been in there NEAR long enough. Already making excuses for if it read negative, I told Levi, "It probably won't be positive because I took it out too..." and as I was about to finish my sentence, quickly popped up, "Pregnant". I screamed. It explained everything that I was too doubtful to realize. As my mom was coming in a few hours to go grocery shopping, I reeled in my excitement and called her on the phone. Trying to sound like I had just waken up, I said, "Hey. I missed you while you were on vacation, you should come early and look at our vacation photos. Just so we can catch up, you know?" She agreed that that sounded like a good idea and told me that she would be there in an hour. AN HOUR! A WHOLE HOUR TO WAIT TO TELL HER! As she and my little sister, Myla, finally arrived, we tried to contain our joy and I acted like I was tired on the couch. She walked in and I said, "Hey, mom, there is some weird green stuff growing in the bottom of the plant that you gave me. Do you know what it is?" I had stashed the two positive testers face-up in the plant for her to find there. She said, "Let me take a look!" As she made her way over to the pot, she started closely examining the plant. "Steph, honey, these are leaves that have fallen from your plant. They aren't growing from the bottom." My first instinct was to say, "NO! LOOK CLOSER!" I wondered how she could not see them. I said, "Are you sure? The one I pulled out had roots.." She continued looking at the plant. She was getting confused, and looked at me like I was an idiot. "Steph. Honey. These are just leaves that have fallen from your plant." "Mom..." I said, "...are you kidding me?" Again, she said, "Steph, honey, these are leaves! Look!" Finally, I said, "Mom, look closer. Look really hard." And then she saw them. "Oh," she said. "Oh!" she said again. And then "OHHHHHH!!!!" she yelled as she started to cry. She was SO excited.
Telling Levi's parents was a little easier. We had gone to Burlington Coat Factory and bought a bib that says, "Grandma Spoils Me Silly" and a book about grandpa's. We wrapped them up and took them to Mark and Laura's house. We sat them down and told them that we wanted to thank them for everything they had done for us on vacation with a little gift. They, too, had been ready and asking for grandchildren. We had them close their eyes, and we put each of their gifts in their hands. We had them open their eyes and unwrap their gifts. Laura was the first to get hers open, "Oh my gosh!!!!" she said. She stamped her feet back and forth on the floor in front of her and twirled her arms in the air. Mark had opened his, but he was just sitting there, looking at it, trying to be polite. "Hm..." he said. Laura asked him if he "got" it. "OHHHH!!" he said. There was much laughing, hugging and love.
I lost 30+ pounds over the next months. I could hold NOTHING down. I kept thinking, "Why would ANYONE ever choose to have children again after feeling this sick all the time?!" At our 16 week appointment, the doctor noticed that my uterus was measuring at 20+ weeks of gestation, but I knew in my heart when it had happened. I knew that I was only 16 weeks pregnant. She looked for a heartbeat on the left side of my uterus, found one and then lost it. She tried on the other side of my uterus to find it again and there it was! She said, "Well, it looks like you are a lot farther along than you thought you were, unless, of course, there is more than one in there. We need to get you in to a sonogram as soon as possible." WOW. Big words for first-time-parents. Wondering if we were having twins, we were anxious to get to our sonogram that would not be until a whole entire week later. As our minds wandered, we looked up symptoms for multiple pregnancies and there it was: "Extreme sickness and vomiting." On the day of our sonogram, I brought into the room with me, Levi, Laura and my mother to see our little baby for the first time! As they started the ultrasound, the tech explained that the reason that I was there was to see how far along I was. She put the piece on my belly and there it was. Our baby. It seemed perfect. Everyone cooed over it and Levi was in love. As she continued to move the piece across my stomach, the tech said, "...and THERE is the other one!" We were all excited! We had expected that this might happen because of what the doctor had said the week prior. As the ultrasound tech was taking measurements of the babies, she said, "And it looks like you are at 17 weeks gestation. I was right! She kept measuring and reading their stats to us and then she said, "Oh my God, guys, I think there is another one!" We were all in shock! We said, "No way!" She said, "Yes, there is a baby C". We were in SHOCK. I, for one, was shaking from head to toe, felt like I was going to pass out and then felt like I was going to cry, and THEN felt like I was going to puke. Everyone was ecstatic. I was terrified. She took pictures of all of them, told me they were all very healthy and then brought Dr. Brey in to talk to me. She explained all of the risks associated with my now, "High Risk" pregnancy and told me what to expect. She asked me if we had been taking any fertility meds, and, of course, we weren't. She warned me that anything a regular pregnant woman would feel, I would feel x3. Any sickness, any fatigue, any dizziness, ANYTHING, x3. It was overwhelming to say the very least. Laura and my mom were hugging and crying and excited, Levi was doing his happy dance and I was just stopped in my tracks, dumbfounded. I don't remember much of what the doctor said after that. The ultrasound tech told me that she had been at the Lincoln Center for 10 years and had never seen triplets. As we made our way out to the lobby, all of the nurses at the Lincoln Center had heard and were waiting right outside our door to congratulate us. They admitted that they had been listening in to our conversation through the door and could not wait! I was told that I would now be being "watched like a hawk" by a multiples' specialist that I was refered to, "Dr. Evans" and that I would be having weekly visits with Dr. Brey as well. Our lives have been a swirl since then.
Our first appointment with Dr. Evans revealed that all of our babies were very healthy, perfect, in fact, and that we were having fraternal triplets, one boy and two girls. Our boy will be named, Jude Louis Ludwick, and our girls will be named Eisley Annette Ludwick and Moorley Iris Ludwick. We do not intend to choose which is which while they are in my tummy. We want to meet them first and find out which one they really are. We were expecting a baby on/around March 25, 2013, now we are expecting three little preemies in January. We would like to get to 32 weeks gestation, but 28 weeks is our first goal. On Monday, I will be 20 weeks along and that does not leave us much time to plan! : )
We are adjusting well to the thought of having triplets, and people we don't even know approach us and ask me if I am "...the gal who's gonna have triplets?"
They were there the whole time. They were there with me through all of the pain pills on our vacation, which, miraculously, they suffered NO defects from. They were there with us on the beach as we dreamt of bringing them with us some day. They were there when I was feeling down about our difficulty with getting pregnant. They were there and are there and will be here soon. They are our little angels and our love grows for them every day. Our lives will NEVER be the same, but God has a huge plan for our lives. He is giving us a perfect real-live experience that we get to practice trusting His plan for, not feeling like we have any control over the situation. He has made a way for us when it seemed like there was no way and He is giving to us through good stewards of His love, our friends. They have already given so much to us, supplies, diapers, support, offers, but we know that it is really God providing through them for us. Isn't it amazing how God is love? What a promise. Any time that somebody acts kindly toward me from now on, I will choose to feel it as God's love. The people in our lives are our constant reminders of God's love and providence. He will use willing hands and willing hearts. We are so blessed by everyone's contributions and prayer--our children are even a little more developed than they need to be at this stage. I wish that I could thank everyone praying for us, but the thing is, I don't even know them all. So many of our friends and family have put us on prayer lists that we have thousands of people praying for us that we will never meet here. This is the church. This is the body of Christ. This is Love. How powerful to be at the centerpiece of the work of our Creator and Father. We are overwhelmed by His perfect love for us--undeserving of His goodness and grace.
better! People say that the first few years of marriage is the hardest and we have experienced this in all of its glory. Everything has been so off and on so many times, I am now happy with our resolution.
For the last 6 months, maybe longer, Levi and I have been struggling in our marriage. It had gotten so bad, in fact, that we had already informed our immediate families and closest friends that we did not intend to stay married. This was hard for us, particularly because we both still loved each other, but it was so overwhelming to try to find ourselves while walking alongside the other. I remember going to church with him and being approached by friends of his family asking, "How's married life?" We never had the heart to share the news with anyone, partly because of embarrassment, and partly because nothing had been made official.
Through all of our problems, we still made the effort to go to church together. This even became awkward at times. When you are looking at getting a divorce, it is uncomfortable to hear sermons that confront you with how to treat your spouse and God's intentions for marriage. Little did we know then that those sermons were the medicine to the ills of our marriage.
After a lot of heart-to-heart discussions with family, friends and each other, it became clear to us that God's plan for us was not to divorce, but to be more willing to love each other. We discovered that we had both been too proud and had not loved each other like God loves us. In marriage, we are called to love our spouse unconditionally. God pointed so many things out to us--the world has a broken vision of love that says, "If you love me, then I will love you back. If you treat me well, then I will treat you well back." This is not how marriage was intended to work. We have learned to approach each other with our "first and our best," another phrase that we picked up from the church services that we attended together.
A little over a month ago, we decided to try to make our relationship work again--BEST DECISION EVER! We officially told our family and friends a little over a week and a half ago, because we wanted to test drive our new relationship first, without the pressure of families and friends who were heartbroken about our separation. That is exactly how it feels, too--like a brand new relationship. I would say we are lucky to have figured it out for ourselves, but that would be incorrect. We are blessed to have the God of the universe taking time to heal our marriage for us because we were incapable of doing it for ourselves.
...we have really noticed that Christianity is starting to dwindle--what a shame. Sometimes I forget how lucky Levi and I both were to be raised in families who made church a big event.
Levi was born into a wonderful family. They are very intelligent, very musical and very nurturing. They are what everybody would try to be for their children. The best part, though, is that they taught Levi about Jesus and his life. What a blessing! What never occurred to me was that many people go through their entire lives without having the peace of knowing Jesus. What a blessing not only to find it, but to find it at a young age. The world certainly is a lot easier to face knowing that everything will be oka in the end.
I was also born into a family who made church a priority. My step-father was the music director at the church we attended so that means that we were there every Sunday. My mom taught Sunday school for a while and often we would do special music for our little congregation. One of the things I value most about my family is that even though they had found what they believed, they did not once push it on me. They let me wonder, and wander to find what I thought was the truth. As it is now, my faith is firmer because I found answers to my biggest questions. Not to say that there is always an easy answer to questions of the mind, not all questions can be answered, especially by human words or thoughts.
It is arrogant to assume that if things do not always make sense to us, then they are incorrect. The God of the universe created knowledge--who are we to assume that we have all of the answers. Maybe we don't know the answers because we wouldn't understand them. Maybe our brains have no capacity to express the answers to us. It is arrogant of us to assume that God owes us all of the answers that we feel like we can't find. As it is, there are things I don't know, but man will never truly know them. All of the money, time and research in the world will never tell you what only God can.
I am so blessed to have Levi in my life. Not only is he a wonderful husband, he is good to others. He is the perfect example of how a Christian should act. One thing that I love is knowing how much attention God gave the Ludwick family. He has worked through them more than anyone I know. I love knowing that God has paired me into that family because it shows me how much He must have planned for me. It tells me how much He loves me. It tells me how much He has in store for my life. How exciting!!
Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause-
As I walk from earth into eternity.
...getting back into the swing of things as the holidays are over. We have really been enjoying all of the wonderful gifts from everyone (especially the Tupperware) and even gifted something special to ourselves!
The keys to the newest addition of our family:
We call her Josephine.
She is a 2004 Ford Explorer. Brand new tires, 75,000 miles, perfect condition.
As our tradition goes, we drove through the TARC lights!
They were troopers! If I remember correctly, it was only 14 degrees out there.
Not only were they excited to see us, but they warned us about the "hungry" dragon in the lake!
Our chauffeur decided to stay in the car, but Christa jumped ship to take more pictures.
Before my christmas baking: Mud balls, Candied Almonds, Candied Pecans, Frosted sugar cookies, Candy cane cookies and Peanut Clusters!
Looking through my computer, I found this old picture of Levi and I. We were still dating and had taken Myla to Gage park for the day.
We may have been young and carefree, we may still be young and carefree...
but we love each other.
